Breakfast is a Bang the Sequel!
by dead drifter
Summary: And Kakuzu thought that exploding cereal was the worst of his problems!
1. Chapter 1

"Breakfast is a Bang, the Sequel!"

Chapter 1: Kakuzu Goes for a Swim

Summary: And Kakuzu thought that exploding cereal was the worst of his problems!

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, Cheerios, Maruchan brand ramen, Quaker Oats or Pledge. I don't know if I refer to Pledge in this story, but just to be safe…heh…Oh, and Hidan's foul comments about homosexuals is straight from HIS mouth, not that of the authoress. I don't mind if you swing one way, the other way, both ways, or no way at all. ;p

A/N: This story is dedicated to my new friends here at Fanfictiondotnet! I hadn't planned on making a sequel to "Breakfast is a Bang," but since TWO people so far have requested it, I thought, why not? So if you haven't read "Breakfast is a Bang" yet, go read it. This sequel is going to be a series, how fun is that?

* * *

The day after the whole exploding Cheerios fiasco, Deidara found himself to be bored again.

With the attention span of a sexually frustrated, severely retarded, and possibly bi-polar orangutan, it was no wonder he was always bored.

Sitting still for more than five minutes was pure torture to the little artist, and the only thing that could cure his boredom was blowing shit up.

Remembering how much fun he'd had yesterday with Kakuzu's cereal, he'd wanted to try it again.

However, all of the sabotaged boxes of Cheerios (all fifty of them) had been tossed over the neighbor's fence. The resulting explosion had made a decent sized crater in the Robinsons' backyard, and Deidara peered over the fence lovingly at it, admiring his work.

Suddenly, a six pack of ramen flew over his head and into the crater. Deidara whipped his head around to see two of Kakuzu's masked thread demons hurling Deidara's beloved chicken flavor Maruchan ramen over the fence.

"Hey, what the hell do you think you're doing, hm!" Deidara said, storming into the house to find Kakuzu emptying out the large pantry.

"Cleaning," Kakuzu answered curtly, scrutinizing a dusty box of macaroni closely before tossing it in the large pile behind him. His masked demons lumbered back in to scoop up more food to fill the crater.

"Why would I sabotage my own ramen?" Deidara asked, his voice raising a few octaves. Kakuzu continued to rummage in the pantry, paying no heed to the whining shinobi behind him.

"The fuck are you doing?" Hidan asked, stepping over the pile of food and raising an eyebrow at one of Kakuzu's masked demons.

"Cleaning," Kakuzu repeated from the pantry.

"He's throwing away all of my ramen!" Deidara howled, snatching the last pack of chicken flavor from the horned demon and running off to his room to hide it. Kakuzu looked back at his two detached masked demons, and they followed after the missing Rock nin.

Hidan grabbed a box of instant Quaker Oats from the pile.

"Hey, want some oatmeal?"

Kakuzu considered for a moment.

"…only if you try it first."

"Why does everyone make me try things first? Just because something can't kill me…you know I can still feel pain, right?"

"You remind me every chance you get," Kakuzu said conversationally. His voice came out muffled, since he was in the far corner, grabbing the last of the canned vegetables. True, it was unlikely that Deidara had implanted clay explosives into sealed cans…but Kakuzu was nothing if not thorough.

"Alright," Kakuzu said, brushing a cob web off of his head, "I'm done here. Where's my oatmeal?"

"MOTHER FUCK!" Hidan howled. Kakuzu ran out of the pantry to find Hidan doubled over the counter, showing the obvious signs of imploded guts.

"Oh Jashin-sama…I'm dying…"

"Now you know how I felt," Kakuzu said.

"Yeah, but you _took_ my intestines last time! I think I'd rather have them ripped out completely, than explode right out my fucking gut!"

"Shut up, already. And grab a towel, jack ass, you're bleeding all over the linoleum."

"Why, you inconsiderate asshole!" Hidan seethed. Kakuzu rolled his eyes and shot his right arm off. It flew over to the kitchen counter, yanked the paper towel roll off of its holder and thrust it at the priest. It hit Hidan right in the gut and he collapsed backwards into his pool of blood.

"Rot in fucking hell for all eternity, you number punching, cock sucking, curtain sewing—"

Kakuzu reattached his arm while Hidan went on and on, spouting obscenities like a semi-automatic weapon.

"—fudge packing, fancy faggot ass Frankenstein pa—"

"What did you call me?" Kakuzu snarled, stomping over to the bastard who had dared say the "F" word (the "F" word that is capitalized, tee hee!). But he slipped in Hidan's blood and went sailing on his back across the kitchen, where he ran ass first into the side door, crashed through the wood, knocked over the cluster of trash cans, tripped up Zetsu AND Tobi, who had been carrying flats of marigolds, smashed through the fence, and sank into the neighbor's pool.

Kakuzu sat at the bottom of the pool, wishing he knew how to become transparent. The Robinsons weren't home, thank his Money, but he wasn't sinking at the bottom of the Robinsons' pool. They no longer had one, since their entire backyard was a crater. No, Kakuzu had sunk to the bottom of the Smiths' pool, and Mr. Smith and his wife had happened to be skinny dipping during Kakuzu's slip.

Tobi clambered through the Kakuzu shaped hole in the fence and ran over to the pool as the Smiths leapt out of the water and ran for the safety of their home. Tobi fell to his knees and waved his hands frantically in the air, but the missing Falls nin was too busy having multiple heart attacks (and possibly drowning) to notice.

"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God," Tobi squealed frightfully, gripping his hair.

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP! KAKUZU IS DROWNING! HEEEEELP!"

Zetsu appeared in the ground besides Tobi.

"Oh, Zetsu-san, Kakuzu is drowning, and Tobi can't swim! Help!"

"**Let him drown, he overcharged me for hemming my cloak,"** the black half said, while his white half looked worried.

"_I'll go get Kisame. He can swim,"_ his 'better' half said, and melted into the ground.

A few minutes later, Kisame slashed through the already severely damaged privacy fence with his Samehada, wearing red swimming trunks and sporting a whistle about his neck.

"Oh shit, is he dead already?" Kisame asked. Zetsu eyed him. Tobi bounced up and down, freaking out. The Smiths watched the show from their bay window.

"**Just go get him, Jaws."**

Kisame dove into the water with the grace of a…shark…and pulled Kakuzu back up to the surface. He tossed the limp body over his shoulder and laid him on the ground. He slapped Kakuzu's face, and stared as if waiting for something.

"Should you…do CPR or something?" Tobi asked, leaning over Kakuzu. Kisame raised an eyebrow.

"I'm not kissing that thing! Why don't YOU do it?"

"Anyone who tries to kiss me dies," came a gurgling growl below them. Tobi blinked at Kakuzu, who was getting into a sitting position, coughing up water. Before Kakuzu could defend himself, he was crushed in a Tobi Hug (trademark), which nearly broke a few ribs, but it did squeeze out the rest of the water in his lungs.

"What the hell happened, anyway?" Kisame asked as he, Tobi and Kakuzu walked back through the Samehada made opening in the privacy fence and got back to the Akatsuki house. Zetsu stayed behind to have a chat with Mrs. Smith's begonias.

When the trio entered the kitchen, Kakuzu narrowed his eyes.

"HE happened," Kakuzu growled, and treading carefully around Hidan and his pool of blood, the missing Falls nin went upstairs to fetch his other two masked demons.

* * *

End chapter 1!

Next time: Kakuzu finds his missing masked demons in the Artists' room. The horned mask is chasing Deidara while the other one with the big teeth is…doing that 'thing' again…


	2. Chapter 2

Breakfast is a Bang, the Sequel!

Chapter 2: Not So Spontaneous Human Puppet Combustion

Summary: What happens when you mix iron sand, wood, friction and Pledge?

* * *

While Kakuzu was…er…swimming in the neighbor's pool, Deidara was fighting off one of Kakuzu's masked demons.

"SASORI NO DANNA! HELP ME!" Deidara cried, hanging from the ceiling fan as the horned demon swiped at him.

Sasori, who was giving his beloved Third Kazekage puppet a good rub down with Pledge, ignored the damsel in distress.

Until the horned demon's brother, the one with the teeth, came in. It grinned (well, it always grinned, but this grin looked a lot like a Kisame Grin (trademark)) and bounced into the room to sniff at Sasori's second favorite puppet.

"Down, Mr. Chiclets, down!" Sasori said, but the demon wouldn't be denied.

It nuzzled Kazekage's face, whimpering like a big dog begging for scraps under the table.

Sasori's usually emotionless face was contorted into disgust as he tried again to push the demon away. It snapped at Sasori, and he jumped back.

"DANNA! Please!" Whimpered Deidara from the ceiling fan, which the horned demon had turned on.

Sasori attached chakra strings to the demons and maneuvered them out of the room. He would have gotten Deidara off of the spinning ceiling fan in the same fashion, but Deidara beat him to it.

The fan was now on high, and the rather effeminate ninja was thrown off, screaming as he shot through the air and hit the opposite wall, his head going right through the thin barrier between the Artists' room and Hell.

Itachi, covered in bits of drywall, glared up at the dead man who had dared interrupt his reading time.

"Hey…Itachi…how's it going? Hm?" Deidara said casually.

"…"

"It wasn't my fault, it was Kakuzu's fault, he sent Horn Dog and Mr. Chiclets on me, kill HIM, he's old anyway…"

Itachi continued to glare in complete silence, as only Itachi can. Somewhere, deep under the surface of his beautifully murderous red eyes, Itachi was laughing. Deidara squirmed under that piercing gaze.

"No really, I'm…I'm too young and pretty to die!"

"Perhaps that is why…you should die…" Itachi said softly.

"Oh…shit…" Deidara said, and tried to pull his head out of the wall.

Itachi's eyes swirled, transforming from the usual Sharingan to…something much more threatening.

"DAAAAAAAAAANNA!" Deidara shrieked in sheer terror, squinting his eyes shut. But it was too late.

Itachi went Mangekyou Sharingan on Deidara's ass.

* * *

Sasori really did intend to rescue his young, foolish partner, but unfortunately for both Deidara AND the Third Kazekage, Kakuzu's two detached masked demons had infiltrated the Artists' room again.

Horn Dog ran about the room, perhaps high on the strong presence of lemon scented Pledge, and began knocking over clay sculptures and unfinished puppets. Sasori tried to subdue the wild demon, but the Pledge had driven it crazy.

Mr. Chiclets started to run after Sasori, who gave up trying to catch the demons and leapt into Hiruko, where he rocked back in forth in the dark, spraying Pledge up his nose.

Mr. Chiclets and Horn Dog both tried to pry Hiruko open, but after a few minutes , they lost interest and went on to other things. Mr. Horn Dog sniffed around the room, finally stopping before the closet door where Sasori's entire supply of Pledge was kept.

Though the demons did have hands, they lacked brains, and so Mr. Horn Dog never discovered that with his opposable thumbs he could turn a door knob.

Mr. Chiclets nuzzled the Third Kazekage puppet again, and to Sasori's horror, Mr. Chiclets started humping the chunk of wood like it was going out of style.

"NOOOOO! Kazekage-chan, NOOOO!" SAsori howled in despair. He suddenly realized that Hiruko was a fighting puppet and not just a hiding place from demons and pedophiles, and he attacked the demon with his pointed tail.

The demon paid no heed to the attack, he just kept on humping. Disgusted, outraged, and a little ashamed, Sasori pushed Horn Dog out of the way and hid in the closet, comforted by the wall of Pledge.

* * *

Kakuzu burst into the Artists' room at the precise moment that it exploded. The oldest member of Akatsuki was blasted backwards into the hallway, and sat there with his back to the wall, stunned, for a few minutes, nearly suffering another heart attack.

Tobi and Kisame ran up the stiars to see what had happened. Hidan trundled along after them, the entire roll of paper towel wrapped around his abdomen.

"What the hell happened now? Kakuzu, seriously dude, you need to stop causing trouble. And I thought TOBI was bad…" Hidan said with a laugh.

Kakuzu simply blinked, trying to adjust to the shock of being knocked on his back…again.

Itachi suddenly stepped out of his room, flicking bits of dust off of his shoulders, but otherwise unhurt.

"Itachi-san, what happened?" KIsame asked his partner. Itachi looked at the shark nin, shrugged, and continued walking down the hall, a book in his hand.

"That little shit is always off in la la land," Hidan commented. Kisame clamped his hand over Hidan's mouth, looking nervously at the back of his retreating partner.

"Sh…he can hear as good as he can see."

"Then I'm not in much danger, am I?" Hidan said as he pulled Kisame's hand away.

"And if you touch me again—"

A groan from the smoking room made everyone glance around nervously.

"That sounded like Deidara-san!" Tobi said, dashing into the smoke to find Deidara's blackened ass sticking out of the wall.

"Mr. Chiclets…?" Kisame said slowly, seeing the demon, half melted, still humping the Third Kazekage. Horn Dog lay twitching on the floor, scratching at the closet door. Kakuzu pushed past Kisame to gather up his demons.

"Stop calling him that. His name is Chomper," Kakuzu growled as he patted the toothy demon's head. Though both demons were injured, their heads, where the hearts were located, were intact.

Kakuzu made his demons return to his back (amidst looks of disgust from Hidan and Kisame) while Tobi pulled Deidara out of the wall. He was out cold, all three tongues lolling about, drooling pitifully.

Kakuzu glared at Deidara, but as much as he wanted to, he couldn't kill the bastard while he was unconscious. It was much more fun to torture someone when they were aware of it. So, Kakuzu left to take a shower to wash off the blood, garbage and chlorine still clinging to his body.

"Where's Sasori-san?" Tobi asked, looking around the room, which happened to smell like charred lemons. It actually smelled rather nice.

* * *

In the aftermath of the explosion, Sasori, the resident scientist of the group, discovered that the distinct chemical compounds of Deidara's clay, the Third Kazekage's iron sand and Pledge, coupled with the intense heat caused by the friction of Mr. Chiclet's humping, produced the Big Bang.

Sir Leader banned Kakuzu, and every part of his body, from the Artists' room, and put a limit on the number of Pledge cans Sasori was allowed to have in his room or on his person at any given time.

* * *

End Chapter 2!

Next time: Sir Leader packs his mini van full of Akatsukis and they head off to Kroger to replace all the food Kakuzu threw away. The characters all act the way they are expected to: Zetsu talks to the produce, Kisame mourns over the frozen fish, Kakuzu switches price tags…Will the grocery store survive?

A/N: I didn't know what to call those masked heart demon things that Kakuzu has on his back, and I couldn't remember which mask had which element, so I left that part out.

Names: Kakuzu has names for his masks, but everyone else gave the masks 'better' names.

The horned mask is named Killer, but everyone just calls him Horn Dog or Horny.

The grinning/ toothy mask is named Chomper (Kakuzu is a fan of those things from the Mario games) but everyone calls him Mr. Chiclets, on account of his teeth resembling that strange square gum.

The mask that looks like a bird is named Hawkeye, but everyone calls this one Bird Brain. Except Hidan. He calls that one "Shit for Brains."

The mask that was destroyed in the manga, so we don't know what it looked like, is named Ghost, so of course, everyone calls him Booger.


	3. Chapter 3

"Breakfast is a Bang the Sequel!"

Chapter 3: Are We There Yet, Hm?

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, Pledge, the Dodge Caravan, CVS or Kroger. 

Summary: Just a typical trip to the grocery store…if they EVER even get there!

A/N: This happens a few hours after the previous chapter, in which some shit gets blown up. Namely the next door neighbor's backyard and Deidara's ass. This is basically like a buffer for the next chapter, which is REALLY long.

* * *

"Alright everyone. Get in the van, we're going shopping." 

Everyone blinked.

"Shopping? Why?" Deidara asked, rubbing at his singed ass. Sasori had tried to heal him by spraying Pledge on the affected area, but all it did was make the burn feel worse. Pein, who had announced the shopping mission, glared in Kakuzu's direction. Kakuzu pretended not to notice.

"Because Kakuzu threw away all of our food." Kakuzu looked up at that.

"Hey, I only threw away everything in the pantry. I didn't touch the fridge…"

"Needless to say, the refrigerator is empty."

"Why do we ALL have to go, hm? I hate grocery shopping…it's so _boring_," Deidara whined.

"I would like to keep an eye on all of you. Plus, it would be best if we were gone when the Robinsons came home. Their backyard is nothing but a crater now…it would be a good alibi."

"What about the Smiths? They're home…" Kisame asked. Pein nearly smiled.

"They won't talk. I have nude pictures of them in their pool…"

There was an awkward pause at this statement. Pein cleared his throat.

"So, get your shoes on, let's go," Pein said, grabbing his keys and heading out the door.

Konan followed him out.

* * *

It took nearly an hour to simply fill Pein's Dodge Caravan with Akatsuki (and Akatsuki resident servant, Tobi.) Deidara took up most of that time, fretting over his hair and his ass. 

"Oh, I can't go out in public like _this!_" Deidara moaned in horror at the mirror. His bum WAS a little larger than usual because of all the gauze taped to it.

Kisame made things worse when he happened to walk by the Artists' Room and stopped to admire Deidara's goods.

"Hey, nice ghetto booty," he said with a smirk, and walked away. Deidara pointed furiously at the puppet giggling on his bed.

"See? I _told_ you, Sasori no Danna!"

"Why don't you just wear a bigger cloak? Go ask Kisame if he can spare one…he might let you have it, he did like your…hee hee…ghetto booty."

* * *

Several explosions later, a very angry Deidara went next door to Hell (Itachi and Kisame's room) and yanked a giant cloak from the closet. 

Sasori clamped his wooden teeth shut tight to keep from laughing when he saw his younger partner dressed in the oversized cloak, tripping with every step.

"I can't walk in this thing! Where's that old fart (Kakuzu) at? I could use some alterations."

"Everyone's in the van already. You'll just have to deal with it."

* * *

When Deidara finally made it to the van, he was limping, holding on to his ass with one hand, holding up his cloak like a princess gown with the other, and he was sporting a black eye. 

Apparently, he'd tripped on the hem of the cloak while trying to maneuver down the stairs, and during the fall, he managed to hit the banister.

With his eye. The _right_ eye, as in the one that isn't nearly always covered with the scope and his bangs.

Kisame, once again, made things worse.

"You look like shit."

"Yeah, well you _smell_ like shit," Deidara retorted. He was _not_ happy. For one, he looked terrible, and he knew it. Plus, he had to sit next to…

"Tobi thinks you look wonderful, even if your eye is purple and puffy!"

"…shut the hell up, Tobi, hm?"

If Tobi did respond, no one could hear it, because Pein cranked up the volume on the radio, blaring heavy metal so loud that Hidan clutched his rosary as if in fear for his soul, lips moving in a soundless prayer. Pantera was abruptly switched to Madonna, however, when Konan boldly changed the station.

A brief battle ensued, and in the aftermath, everyone was nearly deaf, Pein sported some nasty paper cuts, and Konan got to listen to REM.

Kakuzu, who had gotten a window seat, nearly had a heart attack when they passed his favorite store: Sam's Club.

He detached his hand and turned the radio down so he could yell at Sir Leader.

"Hey, you missed your turn. Sam's Club is back that way."

Pein glared in the rear view mirror.

"We're not going to Sam's Club," Pein said with a cackle. Kakuzu clutched his chest. Hidan continued to pray. Deidara lifted his bangs so he could look over at Sir Leader.

"Holy shit, you're going to kill us and dump our bodies in the river, aren't you?" Kisame asked, not smirking this time. The poor shark nin looked scared. Which was understandable. You didn't become the leader of an organization like Akatsuki without being one scary ass mother fucker.

Konan laughed, which was odd, because she didn't laugh in scary situations.

"No, dumb ass," Pein said, "we're going to Kroger. What's the point in shopping in bulk, if most of the food gets blown up or tossed over the fence?"

Kakuzu perked up at the mention of Kroger.

"They have a deal this week on orange juice. Ten for ten."

"Who the hell wants orange juice? I want beer, hm," Deidara said. Pein turned around and pointed at the blonde.

"Oh _hell_ no. Last time I allowed alcohol at the lair, everyone, _especially you_, got so out of hand that we had to relocate. You know how much that cost? How many people I had to blackmail or kill just to smooth everything over?!"

"Watch the damned road, moron!" Konan screamed, jerking the wheel so that the van nearly missed colliding with oncoming traffic.

"Yeah, I got it!" snapped Pein, turning to face the road and swerving around an old man on a bike.

For some reason, Pein honked at the old man, who threw his brown bag-wrapped liquor bottle at the van.

"That drunk ass mother fucker just put a dent in the door!" Hidan yelled, gesturing with his rosary. Pein's eyes widened.

"What? I just got it back from the shop!" Pein yelled angrily, and drove up onto the sidewalk to chase the old man, who was so drunk he swayed on his bike and fell over.

Deidara was screaming from the bumpy ride, which hurt his butt something awful, Kakuzu was having a heart attack while Hidan, Tobi and Kisame were whooping and cheering, throwing their hands up in the air as if on a thrilling ride. Sasori hid deep within the bowels of Hiruko.

Itachi and Zetsu exchanged a look as if to say "here we go again," and then Zetsu clamped his fly trap shut tight. Itachi returned to his book, though how he could possibly read while riding over fire hydrants and parking blocks was anyone's guess.

The drunk old man gave Pein the finger and dashed into a CVS. Pein came to a screeching halt in a handicapped parking spot, sending everyone lurching forward in their seats. Konan smacked her head into the windshield, messing up her hair and squishing her flower.

"Ow ow ow!" Pein yelped as he was bombarded with paper bitch slaps.

"Where the fuck are YOU going?" Hidan asked Kakuzu, who'd recovered from his heart attack and was climbing out of the van.

"Kroger. We're right next door, and I'd really like to get to that orange juice before they run out."

"It better not be that off-brand shit."

Hidan got out and followed after Kakuzu, complaining as always.

"…the last time you bought generic spaghetti o's, I had the shits for a week. Seriously, when they're selling twenty cans of garbage for a dollar, shouldn't you be suspicious? Check the damned date or something…"

Kakuzu gave Hidan "the look."

"Oh, don't you give me that fucking death glare shit, just because I'm unarmed doesn't mean you can rip my fucking guts out and get away with it…"

The rest of Akatsuki left Pein and Konan alone to argue and followed along after the Odd Couple, Hidan's mouth going a mile a minute. Tobi was skipping, telling anyone who would listen about some new cereal he wanted called Naruto O's.

* * *

Seven Akatsuki and one…er…Tobi stood before the automatic doors of the store. Kroger was doomed.

* * *

Next time: LONG chapter, because no one in Akatsuki can behave at the grocery store! 


	4. Chapter 4

"Breakfast is a Bang the Sequel!"

Chapter 4: Mayhem at Kroger

Summary: Akatsuki at the grocery store! Zetsu is a pineapple. Kisame is a good boy. Hidan is decapitated. Kakuzu is a fan of generic brands. Itachi is not.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or anything else. I really REALLY don't own anything mentioned below, except for the old people and those blue apples. I made up Naruto O's, but I can't own them either, because I can't cash in on Naruto. Damn it.

A/N: Enjoy this super long chapter!

* * *

"Okay, since Leader and Konan are still pursuing that old drunk, I'm in charge," Kakuzu said, grabbing a Kroger paper and looking around eagerly.

He was practically giddy, bouncing on his feet, anticipating the prospect of spending money for once.

Contrary to popular belief, Kakuzu loved to shop, but not because he had to fork out some dough. It was the thrill of getting that great bargain, that 70 discount…that one coupon that practically gives away the product for free.

Oh, and don't get him _started _with the Clearance Isle. Some people found solace in a church. Kakuzu found his in the Clearance Isle, rummaging through boxes of partially opened packages of plastic pencil erasers (fifty for a dollar!) or sifting through out of fashion women's dresses with snags and mysterious stains in them (what a steal at two dollars!).

Kakuzu presently gleaned over the Kroger paper, beaming from beneath his mask at picture after picture of fresh foods, most of them…can you believe it…ten for ten!

"Hey, are we going to get a basket, or are we going to watch you drool over the fucking sales paper all day?" Hidan asked, middle fingers raised and pointed behind him at the line that was beginning to form. The Akatsuki members _were _right in the way of the door.

"Yeah, grab two baskets…produce first," Kakuzu murmured, and drifted over to the glorious display of apples in every color, even blue (that would be the ninja apple).

Tobi grabbed one basket, which Deidara climbed into, and Kisame grabbed another one. He looked expectantly at Itachi, who glared stonily back.

"I'm not riding in a shopping cart."

Kisame quickly looked away and followed after the others. Sasori and Zetsu, who were even more antisocial than Itachi (is that possible?) lagged behind.

Sasori and Zetsu sort of looked at each other, then Sasori crept away to find some victims to play with…

Left alone, Zetsu looked around curiously. He'd never been allowed in a public store before, so it was nice of Sir Leader to allow him this time.

Zetsu walked up to the exotic fruit section.

"_Hello there, it's awfully cold in here, isn't it?"_ Zetsu's white half said to a pomegranate.

"**Oh, here we go again…"** his black half growled. A pock marked teenager busily restocking the mangos looked up over his mini tower of boxes to stare.

"_Hey, I think I know you_," Zetsu's white half went on, now gesturing to a pineapple. The pineapple didn't respond in words, but it did sort of shift a little. Zetsu beamed fondly at it.

The stock boy quickly finished up with the mangos and crept away to work on restocking the blue apples.

"**Precious (Zetsu has the same personality disorder as Gollum), you **_**do**_** know that all of these plants are dead, laid out for the sole purpose of being bought…and eaten…?"**

"_Sh, quiet. She's napping. It does look comfy…perhaps I'll take a nap too…"_

"…"

And Zetsu sort of melded himself in between two rather large pineapples, fly trap closing, drifting off to a vegetative state that humans would call sleep.

* * *

Meanwhile, Kakuzu was taking his sweet time in picking the healthiest, biggest, juiciest apples he could find. Tobi was assisting, but it wasn't going very well.

"How about this one, Kakuzu-san!"

"Tobi, that's a potato…"

"Oh…what about _this _one then!"

Kakuzu slapped a hand to his face, groaning.

"That's a package of dinner rolls. Honestly, Deidara, aren't you watching him?"

Deidara, who had a frozen bag of vegetable medley held to his black eye, smirked.

"I can't exactly see, now can I?"

"Your left eye is perfectly fine…"

"What, you want me to have to redo my hair AND remove the scope? Hell no. That eye is under intense training."

"Hmph…fine then, be a blind little bitch," Kakuzu snarled and set his bag of apples on the scale. Six pounds…that would cost him. The sale ad said five pounds for a dollar…Kakuzu took out an apple and put his bag back on the scale. 5.3 pounds.

"Damn it…"

"Oh come ON, we have a huge ass list, and you're still on fucking apples! What the hell do we even NEED apples for, no one really eats them!"

"I like apples," Itachi said. Hidan nearly jumped, forgetting that the eerily quiet Uchiha was even there. Kisame was leering at people as they passed hastily by, scaring the hell out of moms with screaming babies and old men hobbling along with the little hand baskets.

"Kakuzu, can't you just give us half the list? Itachi's good with shopping and stuff," Kisame said. He didn't like standing around and doing nothing. It didn't suit him.

And that little punk stocking the blue apples was giving him a rather cheeky look. The shark nin reached behind him for the hilt of his Samehada, but it wasn't there.

"Kisame is right. It would make things go more smoothly if you let me buy half of the items," Itachi said quietly. It was perhaps the most Itachi had spoken that entire year.

Kakuzu looked at his list, took a deep breath, squinted his eyes shut, and ripped the paper in two.

He thrust the paper at Kisame (Itachi's ASSistant) and nodded.

"Yeah…just…if it ain't on sale, don't buy it. And stick with generic brands. We'll meet back here by the apples when we're done."

Itachi nodded, and he led the way, Kisame pushing the cart behind him. Kakuzu sighed at his list, ripped in two. He almost felt sorry for it, that is, until someone threw a grape at him.

Kakuzu snapped his head up to see Tobi juggling grapes while Deidara snatched the fallen ones out of the air with one of his three mouths (yes, I know he has another mouth on his chest, but no one knows about that but Kakuzu grin).

"What the hell are you two doing? Put those back, I'm not buying grapes."

Tobi stopped juggling, and Deidara expertly ate all the grapes before they could fall. He didn't put the bag of grapes still in his possession back, however.

"Relax, grapes are free, hm."

Kakuzu felt a heart attack coming on.

"Oh, come on, ya fucking miser, I like grapes, let's just buy them and move on," Hidan said from Kakuzu's elbow.

Kakuzu took a deep breath and walked over to the grapes. He looked at the sign.

"They are on sale…I suppose we could get one bag. But put that used one back and get a new one. I want my money's worth."

"Yay!" Tobi cheered and grabbed another bag. Deidara tossed the half eaten one back in the pile.

"Good. Now, tomatoes…"

"Hey, you didn't get any Granny Smith. I thought I fucking told you I wanted some Granny Smith apples this time," Hidan whined, picking up the bag of apples Kakuzu had selected and glaring at it.

"Quit your bitching. You said that you don't like apples…"

"No, I said no one really eats them. But I do, from time to time, and I like Granny Smith."

"Then you should have said something while I was picking the apples, jack ass. You'll just have to deal with it."

Hidan glared at the bag of red apples, the kind with the really thick, tough skins that aren't really even edible.

"You got the fucking red ones again, last time I bit into one of those tough-skinned little fuckers, I lost a damned tooth! Hell, I'd be happy with those red and green bastards….the Macintosh ones or even those creepy ass Blue ones…Golden Delicious, hell anything but the fucking re…"

Tobi and Deidara stared innocently as Kakuzu suddenly shot threads out of his arm, cleanly cutting off Hidan's head.

The boy who'd been restocking blue apples ran for it, never to be seen again in that particular Kroger…

Hidan's body toppled to the ground, oozing blood all over the shiny floor.

Kakuzu glared down at Hidan's head, which continued to rant and curse and rave. Disappointed that even decapitated, the priest wouldn't die, Kakuzu grabbed the head by the hair.

"Hey, put me down, asshole! You better sew my head back on, for FREE, or I'll fucking bite your nuts off and feed them to the rabid squirrel family living in the attic! I swear to Jashin, I'll…"

Kakuzu set Hidan's head on the scale.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Hidan bawled. Deidara was squealing with laughter, lifting his bangs up so he could watch the show. Tobi was pulling Hidan's headless body out of the walkway, where traffic was backed up all the way to isle 2.

"Five pounds exactly. How convenient."

Kakuzu then ripped off a bag and stuffed Hidan's head into it. He twirled it, secured the bag with a twisty tie, and tossed it into Deidara's lap. Deidara yelped and threw the head up into the child seat.

Kakuzu looked at the body on the floor, which somehow managed to give him the finger, and glared about the store. He eyed an old man with a nearly empty shopping cart and stalked over to him.

"Hey!" the old man yelled when Kakuzu tossed out a bag of Doritos and a box of Juicy Juice and took the cart.

"You don't need that stuff anyway. It's bad for your heart," Kakuzu said and heaved Hidan's body into the cart.

"Alright," Kakuzu said, looking at his list, "on to tomatoes…"

* * *

"I don't know, that other brand is pretty good…" Kisame said slowly, scratching at his chin. Itachi shook his head.

"Kraft."

Kisame had a bottle of ranch salad dressing in each hand: Kraft brand in one and the generic brand in the other. Kakuzu never bought name brand salad dressing, which was one of the few things Itachi truly hated about the old man.

"But Kakuzu said…"

Itachi's eyes swirled dangerously, forming into the Mangekyou sharingan. Kisame threw the Kraft brand in the cart and scooted it down the isle. Itachi's eyes reverted back to his normal sharingan form.

"Heinz ketchup is ten for ten, that's good, right?" Kisame asked.

"Ah…" Itachi uttered, which was the closest to a 'yes' Kisame would ever get out of him.

"…right…and for the mustard?"

"French's."

"Er, the other brand is on sale—"

Itachi looked at him again. Kisame threw the French's mustard into the basket. Without being asked, Kisame also grabbed Stove Top stuffing, which was high up on the shelf. Being over six feet tall, he could easily reach it.

However, the little old lady that drove up to them on her scooter could not.

"Excuse me young man," she said in her high, shaky voice, "but could you get me a box too? 'fraid they don't make stores for little old ladies with bad hips these days, heh heh."

Kisame smiled warmly at the old woman and got down a box for her. He set it in her little mini basket on the front of her scooter.

"There you are, grandma."

Yes, Kisame was a good boy. He loved his parents, and Jesus too. Don't tell Hidan that. He fucking HATES that hippy goody two shoes bastard.

"Oh, why thank you. Have some candy."

And the old woman fished out a bag of…Swedish fish from her enormous hand bag. Kisame took the candy and bowed and the old lady scooted down the isle.

Itachi smiled slightly. Kisame froze.

"What?"

The smile disappeared, perhaps to hibernate for the next ten years.

"The infamous Hoshigaki Kisame…helping old ladies with their shopping."

"Are you cracking a joke?"

Itachi nearly scowled.

"Uchihas don't joke," Itachi said coldly.

Kisame sighed and moved on to the canned goods. He thanked God (and Jesus too) that Green Giant sweet corn was on sale…

* * *

After getting blood in between his toes, which was NOT a good feeling, Kakuzu abandoned Hidan's body in the meat section. He had only gone forward a few steps when he heard giggling coming from a tower of boxes.

Kakuzu peered behind the boxes to find Sasori, grinning like a madman….or at least, a mad child. His hands were held out in front of him, his fingers twitching in a way that could only suggest one thing: puppet show.

Kakuzu looked across Sasori to see a bunch of old people doing the crab walk down isle eight. The missing Falls nin was soon joined by Tobi and Deidara.

"Oh, is it a race?" Tobi asked.

"The one with the Donald Trump hairdo peed himself," Deidara said amidst giggles. He had finally swallowed his pride and flipped his bangs on his other side so he could see.

"The winner gets immortality!" Sasori cried, the scent of lemons emitting from his freshly (Pledge) polished body. Kakuzu peered down at the puppet boy.

"I don't think so."

Sasori blinked up at Kakuzu, looking hurt and confused.

"What?"

Kakuzu sighed.

"You're not going to steal some poor old man so you can kill him and turn him into a puppet."

"Why?"

"Because I said so."

"Who put YOU in charge anyway?" Sasori whined, sounding a lot like Deidara. Kakuzu counted slowly to ten. In five languages. When he felt that his temper was in check, Kakuzu severed Sasori's chakra strings with his threads.

The old people lay in a crumple in isle eight, blinking around stupidly. Kakuzu herded everyone away from the scene. Hidan's body, however, continued to ooze blood in the meat section.

* * *

With their shopping done, Itachi and Kisame went back to the apples to meet Kakuzu and crew. Kisame was hungry by now, and decided that he could probably nick some fruit without anyone noticing. That cheeky little stock boy wasn't around, in any case.

But Kisame liked mangos, not apples, so he wandered over to the exotic fruits, where he noticed the same old lady in the scooter he'd helped earlier trying to reach for a pineapple.

"Let me help you," Kisame said kindly, grabbing the largest one and setting it in her basket. The old lady patted his hand.

"You're such a sweet boy. Here, have some bubble gum."

The old woman didn't give him gum, however. She slipped him a folded up fifty dollar bill by accident. Kisame grinned and took the 'gum' with a polite 'thank you.'

He watched as the old lady scooted away, oblivious to the fact that she had no way of paying for her food. Yes, Kisame loved his parents, and Jesus too, but he loved money more.

Kisame looked back at the fruit, choosing a particularly large mango from the lot. However, he froze when he heard one of the pineapples yawn. Yes, yawn.

The shark nin's little white eyes settled on a giant Venus fly trap, which was slowly opening. A gold eye peeked blearily at him.

"_Is it time to go already?"_

"…"

"Oh. My. _God._ You guys let him in the store?!" Konan shrieked as she and Pein walked up to Kisame and Itachi. Itachi made no comment as usual.

Kakuzu and crew rolled up to them just then. Pein counted heads, but he came up one body short.

"Kakuzu, please remove Hidan's head from that bag. And where's his body?" Pein asked, exasperated.

"What happened with the old drunk at CVS? Hm?" Deidara asked. Pein smiled wickedly.

"Oh, don't you worry. It should be on the 6 o'clock news…"

"Aren't we supposed to be laying low, instead of causing enough trouble to get on the news?" Konan asked, hands on hips.

"It'll get the word out about Akatsuki! It's all good," Pein explained. Konan rolled her eyes.

Kakuzu dumped Hidan's head in Deidara's lap, and without that plastic constricting his air flow (even though he hasn't been attached to his lungs in an hour or so), Hidan's cursings were very, very audible. By the whole store.

"…suffocating in that fucking bag, whenever I want something, off goes my fucking arm, or my head, or I get fucking gutted or you pull out my god damned eyes…like I'm just shit to you, I hate you, I fucking hate you, YOU KNOW THAT, KAKUZU? I'm going to kill you, cut off YOUR fucking head, how would you like that? Maybe I'll pull out your stitches, you'll fall apart at the seams, HA! HA HA HA HA HA!"

"I think Hidan's losing it, hm," Deidara commented, holding his hands over both his ears.

Tobi had gone to get Hidan's body. The old people in isle eight who had participated in Sasori's puppet crab walk race were still there, either because they'd broken a hip…or had heart attacks.

Kakuzu was forced to sew Hidan's head back on, and as soon as he did so, Hidan punched Kakuzu right in the face.

Kakuzu was thrown backwards into a display of Cheezits while Hidan's head fell off again from the impact.

"Why you little…"

"That's enough, you two," Pein commanded. He looked at the two baskets full of food and nodded.

"I see you've gotten everything. Good. Let's head to the check out, and be done with this place."

* * *

At the check out, Kakuzu was sure to thrust all thirty-seven of his coupons into the cashier's face. Even though she'd initially said that coupons couldn't be used on sale items, Kakuzu somehow convinced her to take them. He was that good.

However, he'd never gotten to inspect what brands Itachi and Kisame had selected. So when his eyes settled on the name brand salad dressing AND the ten boxes of Naruto O's, the (rather overpriced ) cereal Tobi had been running his mouth about on the way to the store, Kakuzu collapsed, clutching at his chest.

Even while having a heart attack, Kakuzu had a death grip on his money, so Kisame thrust the fifty he'd gotten from the old scooter lady at the cashier.

Paying just $45.97 for two carts full of items was damned good. Kakuzu was the shit when it came to shopping. Seriously. Even Hidan would admit it, if he wasn't busy trying to kick Kakuzu's face in.

* * *

That night, everyone had a good meal (Pein cooked for once, and that man could make a mean baked potato) and settled down in the living room to watch the 6 o'clock news. Unfortunately, there was so much blood involved, that they couldn't show anything, but Pein gave them a play by play account of everything during commercials.

* * *

Next time: It's the next morning, and Deidara makes the breakfast. He decides to…kick it up a notch, and his special ingredient tends to implode the intestines…but this time, someone gets him back!

A/N2: I don't remember where I saw it, but I read some fan fic where Zetsu's black half talked in bold, while the white half talked in italics. Don't hurt me, whoever invented that technique, but it's probably the best way to show Zetsu dialogue…and maybe the two sides of Tobi, as well.


	5. Chapter 5

"Breakfast is a Bang the Sequel!"

Chapter 5: Shaving Creamer

Summary: Kakuzu has finally succeeded in killing Hidan. Maybe. Oh, yeah, and Kisame poisons Deidara with shaving cream. Not.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or anything else. Not even Konoha Krystal Koffee.

A/N: The idea about the shaving cream in the coffee is based off of a suggestion by Hufflepuff Ninja. I like suggestions. If you don't suggest anything, I write whatever the hell I want. If you suggest something…I write whatever the hell I want...and give you credit for it…

* * *

Morning at the Akatsuki Lair. At 8 o'clock, there was already a line forming at the bathroom.

Sasori and Zetsu were the only ones who didn't require the use of a bathroom. Being a puppet made of wood, Sasori didn't eat or sleep or emit anything other than the aroma of lemons.

He rubbed himself down with Pledge furniture polish, and got an oil change every three months.

As for Zetsu, well…if he had to go, someone would let him out and he'd do his business behind the house. As for a shower, Tobi would hose him off in the backyard.

Konan and Pein had the master bedroom, which had its own fancy bathroom, because they were stuck up snobs. The rest of the grunts were left with one small bathroom with a cracked mirror, a toilet that backed up when you least expected it to, and a showerhead with weak water pressure.

"Come ON, hm! You've been in there for half an hour!" Deidara shrieked, slamming his caffeine deprived fist into the thin wood of the door. No response.

"If he isn't out in five minutes, I'm shutting off the hot water," Kakuzu growled. Tobi, clad in a towel and wielding a tooth brush, was sitting on the floor, dozing. Itachi was absent, but Kisame was there, holding a spot for him.

So, if you used deductive reasoning (I think that's what we'd call it), it was Hidan who was hogging the shower. The priest was as vain as a man could be, and still claim to be straight.

Kakuzu was a man of his word, and when five minutes had past, he stalked away to shut off the hot water.

Within ten seconds, there was a muffled yelp from the bathroom, followed by the squeak of wet feet slipping on ceramic, and finally, a painful thud.

Kakuzu came back, looking satisfied.

Everyone looked at him, silent.

"What's with the looks?" Kakuzu asked. Deidara pressed his ear to the door, eyes wide.

"I think you killed him."

"Really?" Kakuzu said happily. He pushed Deidara away and knocked on the door.

"Hey, are you really dead in there?"

No response. Not even a faint 'fuck you.' Kakuzu knocked again.

"Hidan?"

A normal person might have started to worry by now. Kakuzu hadn't felt this happy since he won the Takigakure lottery eighty years ago.

"I don't want to get my hopes up. Someone go in there and check his pulse," Kakuzu said, looking pointedly at Deidara.

"Oh hell no, un!"

Kakuzu glared down at the little artist.

"You owe me one, for planting explosives in my cereal and imploding my intestines," Kakuzu growled. Deidara smirked.

"You already paid me back for that, don't you remember, you senile old fart?"

"Why you…"

Suddenly, Itachi appeared, towel thrown over his shoulder, a shower bag in his hand.

Kisame looked concerned.

"Er, good morning, Itachi-san. I was saving you a spot in the line…"

Itachi said nothing, face as emotionless as a sheet of ice, and strode up to the door and kicked it open.

Steam billowed out into the room, and because of it, no one could see inside the tiny bathroom. Itachi went inside and kicked the door closed.

"Does he know that Hidan is in there, hm?"

Kisame shrugged.

"It wouldn't be the first time he's showered in a bathroom full of dead people."

Awkward silence.

Then, the sound of water running.

"Hey, the hot water's still off…un…" Deidara said slowly. Kakuzu shrugged.

"I'm not turning it on for HIM."

"Katon: Goukakyuu," a muffled voice said from within the bathroom, and there was a loud FWOOOSH and a flash of red light. Itachi was his own personal water heater.

"I'm…going to go make some coffee, un," Deidara muttered and walked away.

Kisame sighed. It was just him, a sleeping, half naked Tobi and Kakuzu. Awkward.

"Screw it. I'll just shave in the kitchen…" Kisame said, lumbering away after Deidara. Now it was just Kakuzu…and a sleeping, half naked Tobi. Still very, very awkward.

Kakuzu couldn't leave. He was first in line now, and he wanted to see if Hidan was really dead. If all he had had to do to kill the zealous fucker was to make him slip in the shower, he would have planted a bar of soap at the bottom of the tub Hidan's first day of work.

Even though Pein had warned Kakuzu that killing Hidan would mean his own death, being murdered by Sir Leader really didn't bother Kakuzu anymore. He'd rather rot in hell than have to endure one more day of Hidan's incessant bitching.

The water stopped, and Kakuzu tensed. He stepped back out of the way as Itachi came out wearing a towel and a scowl (hey, that rhymes!). Itachi walked to his room without a word to Kakuzu.

This was it. The moment of truth. Kakuzu stepped cautiously into the bathroom, his body swallowed up by the steam….

* * *

Deidara was leaning over the kitchen counter, watching the coffee maker make…coffee. The dribble of dark liquid had put him into a trance. His hands were drooling all over the granite, licking up loose grounds of coffee Deidara'd spilled everywhere.

He really wasn't a morning person, especially without a decent shower and a cup of joe.

Kisame wandered into the kitchen just as Deidara slid into his favorite seat at the table, a large mug in his hands. The shark nin was shirtless (drool) and already wearing a beard of shaving cream. He gripped Samehada in his hand.

Deidara dunked his left hand into his coffee while he stared absentmindedly out the window, watching Zetsu lift his leg at the cluster of sticks in the backyard they'd deemed the garden.

"No wonder the tomatoes died," Kisame said with a chuckle.

"Hn," Deidara uttered, removing his now red hand from his coffee so he could dunk the other hand in.

Kisame had never understood Deidara's weird way of drinking coffee. But then again, his partner was a puppet who spent way too much time rubbing down the Third Kazekage with Pledge and whispering sweet nothings in the dead body's ear. So it really wasn't THAT weird…

The shark nin stood besides Deidara, following the artist's gaze as Zetsu squatted in the wilted lilac bush.

Kisame raised Samehada up to his face and started shaving with it. Deidara removed his right hand from his coffee and got up to refill it. When he sat back down, he gazed at his new cup of coffee but didn't drink it.

A dollop of shaving cream speckled with tiny blue hairs fell into the coffee with a PLOP.

Kisame froze, looking down at Deidara.

"Thanks, un," Deidara murmured, and sipped the coffee with the…shaving creamer. Kisame finished shaving in the sink and left before Deidara could realize what had happened.

* * *

Next chapter: Is Hidan really dead? Will Kisame survive the wrath of Deidara? Where's Sasori? 


	6. Chapter 6

"Breakfast is a Bang the Sequel!"

Chapter 6: Asses and Bran

Summary: Exploding Cereal never gets old.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or anything else.

A/N: I dedicate this chapter to Purplewolfstar35, who is my number one fan! Or groupie…something…like that.

Warning: Nudity! No sex though. The people that see the nudity don't appreciate it. At all. Oh, and this is the last chapter. Don't cry. I didn't. I have to get on with my life…er…I mean Christmas Special.

* * *

Unlike his organic coworkers, Sasori didn't sleep, but he did rest his mind by sitting in the closet and reading the label on his oldest can of Pledge. It was from 1937, and even though it was empty, it was full of hope. 

Everyone in Akatsuki had their own religion or idol to worship, and for Sasori, that revered object that became like a god to him…was an old rusty can of Pledge.

Kakuzu prayed to his piggy bank, which he'd had since he was five. And since he's nearly two hundred years old, that's one old ass piggy bank.

Itachi was from Konoha, so he believed in the Will of Fire…whatever the hell that means. He didn't pray much, in any case.

Kisame was a Baptist, because the preacher told him that if he joined, he'd get to go swimming at every church meeting. Kisame was disappointed when he found out you could only get baptized once…but they still turned him on to Jesus.

Yes, Kisame loved Jesus. But he loved slashing things to ribbons with his Samehada more. Jesus was cool…he'd understand…

Pein worshipped himself because he thought he WAS God, and Konan thought he was too. If a dude told you he was God, you'd laugh in his face. Until he ripped your face _off_. Konan may be delusional…but she had a face. And she got to be an Angel, how cool is that?

Deidara went on a pilgrimage once every five years to Hidden Sand to pray to the pit of clay there. He asks for the strength to kill a certain man (Itachi) and perhaps one day, the clay pit in Hidden Sand will grant him his wish. Or maybe the pit of clay will laugh in his face when he blows himself up for no reason…

Zetsu was a plant, so he prayed to the old Willow tree in the woods behind the house. He claimed it could speak, but no one believed him. Not even his black half.

Hidan was an actual priest. Of Jashin. He would be praying right now, this very moment, if he wasn't laying naked, face down, neck broken, on the bathroom tile.

Kakuzu threw a towel over the nude man's rear(out of revulsion rather than pity) and knelt down to check for a pulse.

"Shit," Kakuzu hissed and glared at Hidan. Of course it'd be too good to be true. The damned bastard just wouldn't…fucking…die.

"Fuck…you…" Hidan rasped, as if he had heard Kakuzu's innermost thoughts. He was healing up, it seemed.

"Well, I'm going to go turn the hot water back on…if you're not out of here by the time I get back, I'm throwing you down the stairs. Got that?"

Hidan responded by cursing again and Kakuzu walked out of the bathroom.

* * *

Tobi (remember, he's passed out on the floor wearing a towel) woke up with a snort, looking up wildly. He saw Hidan staring around, his neck twisted, head at an odd angle. 

"Oh, Hidan-san, are you alright?" Tobi said worriedly, crawling over to the fallen priest.

"What's it look like…basketball head…" Hidan said hoarsely.

"TOBI WILL SAVE YOU! TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!" Tobi yelled and picked Hidan up like a sack of potatoes and threw him over his shoulder, bare ass in full view.

Tobi then ran down the stairs crying HELP!, not seeming to realize (or care) that his own towel was slipping off.

Kakuzu had just gotten back from the utility room, reaching the top of the stairs when Tobi ran past him. All Kakuzu really saw were two asses flashing by. Whether he saw nude asses or jack asses or both, is open to interpretation.

Unfazed, Kakuzu went to take a nice warm shower. Not hot, mind you, Mr. Chiclets (one of the masked demons on Kakuzu's back) doesn't like scalding hot water. And it dries out your skin.

And dry skin can lead to wrinkles. Kakuzu may be old, but he's devoid of wrinkles, except for his anger marks (instead of beauty marks or smile lines) around his eyes.

* * *

Kisame sat in the living room watching Itachi channel surf while listening hard to hear any signs of reaction from Deidara, who must have downed the last of his coffee by now. The shark nin was certain that any minute now, Deidara would wake up, realize what had been in his beloved cup of joe, and blow up the house. 

It had been an honest accident, but Kisame thought that if he survived to tell about it, he'd claim that he'd done it on purpose. Maybe Kakuzu would award him by fixing the spare cloak that Deidara had borrowed the day before. He snagged the bottom hem all to hell.

Suddenly, there was a resounding BOOM and the house shook, sliding an inch or so off of its foundation. Kisame tensed, readying his Samehada. Itachi sighed and continued to change channels, unconcerned with the explosion from the kitchen.

When a horde of clay locusts swarmed into the living room, bombarding the entire area with kamikaze explosive bugs, Itachi still refused to acknowledge them. Kisame grabbed Itachi by the collar and ran for it, heading for the stairs. But he collided with two naked men and four shinobi went flying.

Kisame ended up with a face full of…ass…and clay dust from the explosive locusts.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT, IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!" Hidan cried, neck fully healed by now. Frankly, Kisame agreed. He pushed the ass away from him and tried to get up.

Itachi was unconscious, probably blinded by what he'd seen. He had had a face full of something else, after all.

That something else was quickly covered up by an orange mask. Kisame blinked and looked up to see Tobi holding his mask over his crotch. When Kisame saw the real face of Tobi, he blacked out. For good measure, Hidan was knocked out again too.

Tobi ran back upstairs to get his towel, wrapped it around his waist, duct taped it in place and put his mask back on. No one needed to see his face yet…mwa ha ha…

* * *

Deidara crashed into the living room, eyes popping, mouth slack, hair standing on end. 

"STUBBLE!" He roared, pointing a finger accusingly at Kisame, who'd woken up from the shock of seeing Tobi's face.

He didn't remember that, though, so shush!

"Stubble in my Konoha Krystal Koffee!"

"It…it was an accident, honest!" Kisame cried, holding his Samehada like a baseball bat. Indeed, he did have to bat away more explosives Deidara hurled at him. The swarm of locusts had all committed suicide by now, so Deidara was making painted turtles to throw instead.

Hidan came to long enough to remember that the end of the world was going on and crept away to pray for his soul.

Kakuzu finished his shower and after getting dressed, he came back down to see the living room converted into a war zone.

Deidara was bombarding the room with various exploding animals while Kisame was at the front lines, batting them away.

Tobi was hiding behind the sofa, writing a letter to his wife back in the States while Itachi stared up at a crack in the ceiling, off in Sharingan La La land.

Kakuzu hardened his body (Hidan called him Iron Man when he did this) and lunged after the crazed explosive artist, tackling him like a football player.

"Shaving cream…stubble sprinkles…in my coffee! In my God damned coffee!" Deidara shrieked. Kakuzu got to his feet and brushed himself off.

"I don't know what the hell you're on about, but you look like shit. Go take a damned shower," Kakuzu said, pushing Deidara towards the stairs.

Deidara climbed the stairs in a daze, still muttering about his tainted coffee. Pein and Konan came down the stairs and ordered everyone to clean up.

* * *

As punishment for blowing up half the living room and most of the kitchen, Deidara was ordered to make breakfast. Unfortunately, there weren't enough eggs and bacon for everyone, so only Konan, Pein and Tobi (for some reason) got a cooked meal. 

Deidara dished out bowls of Kellogg's Raisin Bran for everyone else. Kakuzu spent ten minutes scrutinizing his bran flakes before proving them to be safe for consumption.

When Kakuzu drank up the milk in his bowl, he felt satisfied. Until he glanced over at Deidara. The missing Rock nin was smiling at him in a way that made Kakuzu very, very nervous.

"What?" Kakuzu asked when Deidara's evil smirk threatened to crack his face in half.

"Oh, nothing…" Deidara said. He was also smiling at the others.

"Aw, come ON, blondie! You have any idea how much it hurts when someone fucks with your guts?" Hidan yelled. He would have went on to curse some more, but he doubled over as his intestines imploded.

Kakuzu, Kisame and Itachi followed suit, Kisame howling in agony.

Itachi glared at Deidara, but he was unable to activate his Mangekyou Sharingan.

Kakuzu choked Deidara until both of them passed out. Pein ate his bacon in watchful silence.

"Well, who knew Deidara'd do the same trick again, huh?" Pein said. Konan nibbled at her toast, nodding.

* * *

Suffice it to say, Deidara wasn't allowed to make breakfast anymore. 

The End.


End file.
